Thursday, April 15, 2010
Don't Say the R-word
Monday, March 22, 2010
Joe Joe the Monkey Catcher
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Stata, my nizzles
Monday, October 12, 2009
Goodbye Metrodome
There was also a distinct lack of nostalgia for the Dome in our local bar, even though the day manager is from Minnesota and there were other Twins fans in the bar even, because the Tennessee Titans were busy losing very badly and also a paranoid schizophrenic came in and sat down next to us and started accusing the bartender of being in the CIA and then got tossed, but was allowed to bring his tacos with him, which he seemed to be grateful for and only a little put out that they didn't have Louisiana Hot Sauce for him to take with him.
For some reason that got more attention than the game for awhile.
Anyway, a tearful farewell to the place I learned to love baseball and hate the outdoors, to where Kirby made catches and hit homeruns over plexiglass, where Tori rattled his brains against an unpadded outfield fence, where Doug Mientkiewicz did the splits at first and Joe Mauer just wouldn't stop growing behind home plate and where Johann Santana threw seventeen strikeouts in a game and Big Papi got his start and Terry Tiffee sold some jeans, where Paul Molitor got a lot of his 3,000 hits and Cristian Guzman got accused of loafing at shortstop and Eddie Guardado did deep knee bends and rearranged his junk at least four times per batter. Not even to mention the hall of famers that have Minneapolis streets named after them and the ones that undoubtedly one day will (Morneau Avenue, anyone?) and the Canadians and Venezuelans who were almost as plentiful as the Minnesotans and Alabamans and the balls lost in the roof and the ones that bounced off the infield turf and turned into doubles and 60,000 screaming fans who made it almost impossible to hear:
There is NO SMOKING in the METRODOME!!!
Goodbye and we will miss you.
Sniffle.
---
http://irregulargiggling.blogspot.com
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Gobble gobble glurk
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
There are at least 30 minutes left in the season
Monday, October 5, 2009
No candy here, buddy
Anyway, what was first most surprising about this phone call was that there is a phone in my office. It makes a noise something like one of those Alexander Graham Bell box and crank jobbies, but actually looks like an 80's switchboard phone, with the lights that light up for different lines and all, which I discovered after I stood up on my desk chair and hauled it down off the top shelf. I picked up the line and said, "Corporate Accounts Payable, Nina speaking"* and the guy on the other end says to me "Hi, I have a question about my candy order..."
So, I go "Ummmmm. Yeah. Wrong number buddy," only nicer. All of a sudden he sounds really sad and says, "This isn't WebCandy?" And I go "That's a thing? No, this is... Vanderbilt sort of." Even sadder, he says "Ohhhhh. I guess I must have mixed up the numbers," and then he hangs up.
And even pizza and a Twins win couldn't cheer me up from the poor fellow's candy depression.
On the other hand, knowing that I work in a surrealist Norman Rockwell painting helped.
---
* Or, you know, just my name in a kind of confused voice.
http://irregulargiggling.blogspot.com
Friday, June 5, 2009
Kinder, gentler, boringer
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Things to Do Before I'm 30: The Impossible List
Friday, August 22, 2008
Remember that one time I had a blog?
Update on happenings in my world in the last 10 months:
Houseboy has cooked eggplant parmigiana, ratatouille, vegetarian paella, tofu curry (I'm back off fish), and sundry other delicacies to soothe the savage beast, or breast as the case may be.
I have seen movies, 94.73% of which were good to excellent; and I have gone on camping trips, 73.6% of which were rated "worthwhile" by the participants.
I have finished work projects, which have stalled in the editing stages above me, and engaged in a war of attrition with all members of my department. I am The Highlander. There can be only one.
I had a dream about a verdant valley filled with tiny giraffes.
I have reclaimed the dream of a Central Division Title for the Twins, and only cried a little when I saw Torii Hunter in an Angels uniform.
I have read all the way to the K's in my library, with a time-out for books bought in airports (Catcher in the Rye, Rant) and books from the McSweeney's Book Club (Maps and Legends, All Known Metal Bands, Where to Invade Next, Underground America, Arkansas).
Houseboy and I have walked to Lincoln Park for brunch, jetted to York for a wedding and popped out to DC for the fireworks. The cats are not happy with us, and I have the urine-stained traveling bag to prove it. The Fat One has altogether forgotten how to speak English and only looks at me with blank eyes and licks his lips.
Things that have not changed in the last 10 months:
I have not grown any taller, any smarter or any better at the piano.
No one has offered to sponsor me for a year in Spain to work on my Spanish and my paella-eating.
With my back to the moon I can still spit 40 feet.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Blogs are like rabbits
Friday, August 3, 2007
Why I wish Voldemort would Avada Kedavra the Yankees
Ok. I see the frustration here. My responses:
1. The Yankees are not solely responsible for running-up prices and causing this overall 'lack of loyalty.' I mean free agency has been in effect for over 30 years and lots of teams have thrown money around. Who gave ARod $250M? Who signed Gil Meche (Gil Meche!!) for $11M/year? Not the Yankees. Who gave Barry Zito $126M? Not the Yankees.
2. The Yankees have paid the other 29 teams $100M in luxury tax and revenue sharing money. That's over $3M on average, per team. So, they pay for their excesses more than any other franchise on the planet. What do most owners do with this money? Pocket it. Can anyone make a serious argument that owners couldn't afford to take this money and pay a draft pick an extra $500K not to go to college? Seriously?
3. Another related point on the talent developed in the farm systems.keep in mind that when these guys reach the majors they get the major league minimum salary for probably the first 5 years of their career and they become arbitration-eligible. So, knowing that you're going to pay the kids chicken feed for a while, why not spend a bit more to ensure they sign with you after the draft? Penny-wise and pound-foolish if you ask me.
4. Most owners operate teams solely to make money. Now, I understand that it's important to make money on your investment. That's fine. But, most owners refuse to understand that the best way to make money, in the LONG TERM, is to put a winning team on the field. Period. I remember when the Yankees were lucky to draw 2 million in a year. This year they'll draw 4 million. That's not because Yankee Stadium is in the best part of town, either. Steinbrenner's first goal has always been to win, which I've always appreciated. I do feel sorry for the Twins that Carl Pohlad spent probably 5 years convincing Selig to contract the team just so he could get a good deal on the team and be finished. This gets to my next point:
5. Most owners cry poverty rather than being creative. So the Yankees start the YES network-nothing more than a regional sports network. Is this business model impossible to replicate in other markets? I would seriously doubt it.
6. The Twins will be opening a new stadium in 2010. Not that I've researched it, but I'm assuming this stadium will be built largely on the generosity of the taxpayers. So, unencumbered by stadium costs, will the Twins make an investment in player salaries to put a good team on the field in 2010 to drive up attendance, merchandising, etc. and really take advantage of their new environment? Or will they continue to look to save $2M by trading all-star caliber players? At some point, I don't care if you're in MN or NY, you have to make an investment and spend money to ensure longer-term success.
7. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the fact the Yankees are richer than everyone else isn't new. It's been that way for 100 years. The Yankees still haven't won every year. So, other teams must have some way of competing with them.
So, my first response to this was an off-the cuff diatribe about what Carl Pohlad's soul probably got him on the open market and how there is an East Coast mentality that basically says "If I have the money, why not spend it?" and "Well, we're the greatest, therefore everyone must love us. There is nothing good outside of New York except maybe fall foliage." Then there's the Midwest which says "Why spend now when you can save for later?" and "Well, we're the greatest, and no one knows it, which is good because it means less traffic." You can see where this becomes a problem in any conversation of the way baseball teams are run.
The following is the longer, more carefully crafted response I came up with. If you want the actual numbers in the attachment I refer to, I can send them to you.
Ok, try this on for FACTUAL rebuttal:The Houseboy as well as my Washington friend have been crafting their responses as well, so check back here for updates.
While it is true that Carl Pohlad MORE than has the money to throw at the Twins if he chose to (he's a billionaire after all, and George Steinbrenner is just a lowly hundred-millionaire), I think the issue should not be how much out-of-pocket money the owner is willing to put toward the team. It should be how much they take in each year, based on their revenues from ticket and fan product sales. That will HELP toward the understanding that the Twins and the Brewers really do work in a different world. So, let me make three inter-related points:
#1. The Twins work in a smaller market, with a population with less disposable income than the Yankees.
#2. Twins tickets and merchandise are cheaper than Yankees tickets and merchandise
#3. The Twins do more with the money that they have than the Yankees do.
#2 and #3 are incontrovertibly shown in the attached document. If he argues with #1 then you just have to give up on him because he's "touched." As you can see in my table, the Twins have an average ticket price more than $10 cheaper than the Yankees. This combined with a smaller market probably explains why their annual revenue is less than half of the Yankees'. In fact, they are at exact opposite ends of the rankings in revenue: the Yankees bring in the MOST and the Twins bring in the LEAST money of any major league team.
All that said, you can also see that in 2006 the Yankees had 97 wins and the Twins had 96. That puts the Twins at 27th in payroll cost/win (ranked highest to lowest) and the Yankees once again in first. So, obviously, the Twins are somehow able to muddle through with WAAAAAY less money. Now we're getting to the crux of the issue. The market in Minnesota and surrounding states is pretty well tapped. I don't see the kids out in Souix Falls and Brainerd shelling out for a cable channel (they tried it with hockey, and if Minnesota won't pay for hockey then they certainly won't pay for baseball), nor do I think you'll get away with big ticket-price raises in the new stadium (which, by the way, will seat about 10,000 fewer fans) or $100 Santana halter tops. So, go ahead and come up with "creative" ways to make more money... all he's really saying is pass more of the cost on to the fans, and I'm saying that just won't fly in the thrifty Midwest. And it's not like we're selling a lot of caps overseas like the Yankees are.
So, we come back to the owners. I hold out hope that Pohlad will crack open that vault of his and throw a little money to us lonely beggars so that they can field a competitive team in the new stadium. However, I don't really think that's fair to him. Why should he have to pay for the mistakes of others? Because, really, I'm not mad at A-Rod. A-Rod is an all-star and I'd love to have him on my team. His salary is exorbitant, but it's not really like Jason Bartlett is going to go into contract negotiations with THAT salary in his mind. The problem is all the failures they've paid too much for. All the young kids who got those signing bonuses and never made it big. The slow and steady increase on players just out of serfdom.
I was mad when it was big names, because it made me jealous. But really, the Twins were never in that market much. They weren't bumping up payroll by acquiring veterans from other teams; they were slowly losing their own veterans to the better deal elsewhere. That was always upsetting, but usually the Twins had someone in the background who was as good, or better, and would make the minimum (Mientkiewicz becomes Morneau, Pierzynksi become Mauer, Guardado becomes Nathan... if he's been my favorite player, he's been replaced... ).
The scary thing to me now is the infiltration into those younger ages. If we can't compete for veterans, and so are destined to always be a young team, then we have to have faith that the people working in our AAA and AA and even A systems are the next Mauer. But if we can't afford the next Mauer either, because he gets a big signing bonus elsewhere, or because he knows we won't pour money all over him the first time he comes up for arbitration, then we are, as the pope would say, fucked.
And I don't blame Pohlad for not opening his purse under those conditions. "Penny wise and pound foolish" he says? Well, that may be true for some players, but when they are that young you can hardly KNOW that... if you have $200 million to throw around, you can afford to hand out signing bonuses to every kid you get that tingly feeling about, and you can give your feisty whelp with 3 years service time 5 million dollars in the hopes that he'll remain worth it. But when your market only brings in $2 million to the Yankees $4 million, you might not be able to just go on faith like that. And honestly, Midwestern values back in action, I don't think you SHOULD.
Oh, and just to throw it out there, the real reason I hate the Yankees is because they assume I love them. I hate New York and I hate LA because they think they're better than the Midwest and they expect us to agree. The Yankees are NOT "America's Team." The very thought sickens me.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Final All-Star Push
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Relationships are Hard Work
Last night, with little ceremony, they crossed a line in the sand and they (along with their defender, Houseboy), owe me a big apology. I didn't even see it coming. There we are, top of the first, ready for a thrilling victory over the Blue Jays. Vernon Wells doubles, but Alex Rios grounds out. I'm calmly thinking how nice a strikeout or short fly ball will be... how they can easily make an out without that runner advancing... suddenly, Matt "Fatt" Stairs pops one up nice and pretty in foul territory. Little Nicky Punto runs his brains out and catches it while falling lovingly into Luis "King of the Elves" Rodriguez's arms in the dugout. How nice! An out recorded with no deleterious side effects! But what is this? What is Bert saying about the first enactment of some new rule? WHY is Wells just trotting over to third? Why is he doing so in response to the beckoning of that evil, cheating umpire?
With a great deal of googling I was finally able to find an explanation. A February 2007 update to the rules that I was not aware of:
FIELDER ISSUES 18. Catching ball in dugout
6.05
A batter is out when --
(a) His fair or foul fly ball (other than a foul tip) is legally caught by a fielder;
Rule 6.05(a) Comment: A fielder may reach into, but not step into, a dugout to make a catch, and if he holds the ball, the catch shall be allowed. A fielder, in order to make a catch on a foul ball nearing a dugout or other out-of-play area (such as the stands), must have one or both feet on or over the playing surface (including the lip of the dugout) and neither foot on the ground inside the dugout or in any other out-of-play area. Ball is in play, unless the fielder, after making a legal catch, falls into a dugout or other out-of-play area, in which case the ball is dead. Status of runners shall be as described in Rule 7.04(c) Comment.
Just so you know, that "status of runners" allows them to advance one base. It is my understanding that this change is the result of the incident last year where Ryan Freel, in following a foul ball into the stands, basically shivved some old lady. That probably really sucked for her, but I still don't like this rule. Mostly, because if you watch the video of the Punto catch, you'll see that that kind of athleticism just deserves reward. He even manages to get that good BestBuy product placement in.
But also because, in my heart of hearts, I feel like it's a different type of rule, with different stakes, than any other rule in baseball. So, if you're Little Nicky, and you see that ball traveling rapidly toward your comrade-in-shortness Elrond in the dugout, and you realize you might not be able to record that out without allowing your little toes over that line, what do you do? Well, on the one hand, you could let it drop and hope your pitcher has another strike or two in him... or another easy out to provide you with. Maybe you join the mound conference and ask him to ignore DIPS theory for just a moment and furnish you with a foul ball just a few feet further west (or east? I'm not sure on that). OR, you can record that out, allowing the base runner to advance. In what other situation do you have that kind of choice? In a sacrifice fly, but in that case at least the runner has to actually do the running... you theoretically COULD throw them out. Same on a long foul ball. The offense actually has to do the work of moving forward on you, weighing for themselves the likelihood that you can throw them out. In this case, in the very ACT of catching the ball, you have given someone a base. Boooooollshit, I say.
Anyway, to address Señor Baseball Himself for a moment, you owe me an apology. Houseboy made me vegetarian tamales and took off his shirt. You're probably going to have to work a little harder than that. I MIGHT be willing to accept a 10-game winning streak from the Twins, but we'll see.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Voting Is Your Duty
American League
First Base: Justin Morneau. This is absolutely a tragic joke. David Ortiz (former Twin, beloved by all Twins fans) is currently leading this position. He has played at this position for just about 3 tenths of a second. He is a DH. I'm sorry that you can't vote in a DH, but that's just too fucking bad, Red Sox. Get over it and put someone in this slot that actually fields.
Second Base: Luis Castillo. A great player. Mostly I'm voting for him because he's a Twin. But that makes him inherently superior, so if you really know nothing and have no opinions, just do as I do and vote as I vote.
Shortstop: Jason Bartlett. Not even on the leader board right now, which is really sad. He doesn't exactly have huge offensive power, but I'm pretty sure he actually starts fielding balls BEFORE they're hit. Psychic powers or something.
Third Base: Troy Glaus. Besides looking disturbingly like a high school classmate of Houseboy's and basically ripping a giant hole in reality every time he plays against the Twins, Glaus has 268 career home runs and a .300 batting average this year. He could stand to walk a little more, but he can actually field a bit too, so that kind of evens out.
Catcher: Joe Mauer. Joe Joe the Monkey Catcher Mauer. He's a CATCHER. He won the BATTING TITLE. He's 24 years old, 6'4" and still growing. He and Morneau used to share a bachelor pad where they stayed up late playing video games and eating Doritos and Mountain Dew and making prank calls. He's slowly teaching Morneau the intricacies of facial expression. Look, it's just a no brainer, so stop thinking about it and vote for him.
Outfielders: I'm going to try to avoid a long tirade on the ridiculosity of lumping three positions into one as if putting your left fielder in center field for a game wouldn't just make the Metrodome cave in on your head, and give you my picks.
Michael Cuddyer. As Bert Blyleven said during an interleague game a little while back: "WHY do they keep RUNNING on Michael CUDDYER?!!?!?!!!" He has a cannon. And it has a laser sight. And if you try to squeeze an extra base out of that weak little right field hit, you're going to be very, very sorry. Oh, and he recently explained the intricacies of playing balls off the Hefty Bag, and it actually made sense. This was either a well-guarded secret of Twins outfielders, or he's the first one to actually figure it out logically.
Torii Hunter. Please. If you make me explain this I will actually scream. HE. CAN. FLY. LITERALLY.
Shannon Stewart. Former Twin, former member of the "Soul Patrol." Came in to numerous (including my own) cries against wasting money on a mid-season replacement that we'd never be able to keep. Stayed for another 3 seasons and made us cry when he had to go. Never had a nickname except: "SHANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!"
National League:
Prince Fielder, Orlando Hudson (O.Hud!), Cristian Guzman (GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZ), Craig Counsell, Benjie Molina (I like him, ok?), Alfonso Soriano (big surprise), Ken Griffey, Jr. and Jacque (not JOCK) Jones.
Ok, so get to voting!
Monday, June 11, 2007
Top 10 Dugout Chats
10. Jim Thome sings about the Twins Obviously, I have my predilections toward certain teams. Particularly the best team in baseball in the whole entire universe. I also appreciate the characterization of the legendary Twins-killer on this site as essentially a butterfly-chasing four-year-old. It makes me giggle.
9. The Straight Man Chatroom, Part 1 and Part 2 These really can't be separated, though the second one has most of the punchline. Somehow, the A-Rod and Derek Jeter are gay lovers joke never really gets old for me.
8. Josh Papelbon Gets Drafted Jon Papelbon is slightly more intelligent than Jim Thome on this site. Though only slightly. Also, "/tomfoolery" might be the funniest one line I've ever seen.
7. Who is Your Tiger? I remember watching the Tigers play in 2003 and seeing poor Dmitri Young running around trying to play all 9 positions and slowly, slowly having his spirit crushed by the utter incompetence and disinterest of his teammates. This chat is ushering a new era. Or something.
6. A Jeep Thing Again, Jim Thome is like a giant, adorable, home-run-smashing, dream-crushing teddy bear. With footy jams.
5. Yor on defense Jon Papelbon outsmarts Kyle Farnsworth. Golden.
4. Pete Rose Stains the Game This is really a series of chats, all of which have the same joke. This is my favorite, but here's a runner up, featuring Stain'd
3. Kirby He has a space on my couch anytime. Though it might be kind of weird for him to come back to life just to stay on a futon in Hyde Park. I wouldn't ask questions, though.
2. The Twins Rule Everyone else drools. But no one knows it. More people should know it. But not so many that I'll start seeing hipster doofuses (doofai?) wearing Twins gear. As Slug says "It sucks that you think where I'm from is whack, but as long as thats enough to keep your ass from comin back"
1. You Saw This Coming Alfonso Soriano. Frank Robinson. Confusion. Buying 20,000 second base bags. It doesn't get any better.
Monday, May 7, 2007
I have been remiss
Anyway, all statistics/baseball joking aside (*audience sighs*), there WAS a Houseboy meal recently that I neglected to record for the annals of time (read: until the Pulse wipes out technology or I erase my blogger account). So, this particular meal was cooked... say, Thursday, and it was pepper-crusted salmon, asparagus and Houseboy's first crack at mini Mexican chocolate souffles (soufflai? soufflora?). I have to say, I was a little disappointed that there wasn't a comical deflation of of the soufflè, but got over it quickly and enjoyed my delicious muffin full of air (I'd never had a souffle before, and that's the best description I can come up with). I took a picture of the empty container, but Houseboy is not as interested in downloading pictures and e-mailing them to me as he is in cooking for me, for some reason.
Anyway, I was able to bring some leftovers to work for the advancement of my bragging career, but no leftover soufflè, so I don't have much hope for the Superstar award this month (not that the scones won it for me LAST month anyway... apparently some people really hold a grudge when you fill their keyboard with superglue).
Ok, so outside of following a good friend around on a self-declared bender this weekend (resulting an out-of-town friend wandering through Cabrini Green alone and an acquaintance being thrown out of the beautifully named "Joe's on Weed" for punching a wall), not much is new in the world in or around me.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Torii Hunter's a big copycat
Anyway, Houseboy had Jason "Bartles and Jason" Bartlett as his "pick to do really good tonight," Roomie had Justin "Island of Dr." Morneau, and I had Torii "Can't Pick Him as My Favorite Player Because Then He'll Leave or Get Traded" Hunter. Things started off in Roomie's favor, as the Doctor hit a clutch second inning homerun. Dusty Baker was guest-commentating and he actually used the word "clutch" to refer to scoring the first run of the game. However, not to be outdone, Torii "Should Have Gotten Credit for, Like, 50 Homeruns Last Year If You Count the Ones He Stole From the Other Team" Hunter came up next and did the same damn thing.
Neck and neck in the "I'm smart and picked a good player to do well in this game" race, Roomie and I were on the edges of our seats for the next appearance of our picks. Morneau hit a liner down right center and got erroneously called out at second. Torii winked in my direction and then knocked out basically THE SAME HIT and pulled in safely to second, assuring my victory. A lot more stuff happened that wasn't nearly as interesting and then the Twins won 7 to 4.
Also, poor Soriano suffers on in the dugout chats:
http://dugout.progressiveboink.com/archive/jon108.html
And I saw the Sun Times headline this morning about the Cubs escaping the "Evil Grasp" of the Tribune... or somesuch. Anyone have $600 Million I can borrow?
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
I love to hate Alfonso Soriano
Anyway, that's all lead-up to this dugout chat from last year's spring training, which is currently in my top 5 funniest things I've ever read.
http://dugout.progressiveboink.com/archive/jon22.html
Enjoy!