Spazz-aholic

So, two things: first, the apocalypse has descended upon Nashville in the form of red-eyed minions of Satan:

About which I was totally being cool, even enjoying their weirdness and laughing at everyone else's disgust. But then they went from a couple hundred to a couple thousand to hundreds of thousands to the point where you can't walk down the street without ending up with one in your mouth and you can't drive with your windows down and you can't walk on the grass, and they make this horrible screaming sound when you try to politely discourage them from sitting on the sandwich you are currently eating. Basically they're proliferous assholes, and also very creepy, as they crawl around on the ground among the carcasses of their friends and family.

Second thing: I went from working about 80 hours a week on project work and homework and data collection and studying for and taking PhD comprehensive exams to having only about 20 hours a week of work, and I think something broke inside, because I made two shirts and a skirt and a pie and crab salad and I cleaned the house and committed the perfect murder, all except the last one (probably). Here are some pictures of what I cooked:

Yay!

Getting to know me

Word I wish people used to describe me when I'm not around: Stalwart

Word they almost certainly actually use: Goober

When you tell me your name I say: Harold, nice to meet you!

When you tell me your name I think: Shit, what was that name again?

Number of socks I own: 743

Pairs of sock I own: no idea

Number of times per day I keep myself from saying something stupid: 12,281 (on average)

Number of times per day I say something stupid anyway: a matter of opinion

If I had to describe what it's like inside my head I would say: Have you seen that game where they stand in a phone booth and try to catch money while it flies around?

What it's really like inside my head: Imagine like if cotton were soaked in black tar and you're trying to find a feather using a metal detector but you have to watch out for the laser pointer on the end that can get really hot and accidentally shoot down things in outer space.

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http://irregulargiggling.blogspot.com

No crazier than usual

Things I uttered while working on a thirty page paper, studying for an exam and watching television tonight (yes, I'm good at multitasking):

I don't like waffle fries. They're too complicated.

I wish something magical would happen on Facebook right now.

Oh man, it's Thursday? That explains a lot.

Why are you peeling onions instead of making me banana muffins? Are the onions going in my banana muffins? Because that's not o.k.

No, because it's a HAMSTER. On a PIANO. Look at him, look at how dumb he is!

That was like a year ago, so I can't really remember.

[Houseboy: That was several years ago, when swing dancing was popular.]

I still want those jeans, so I can dance good.

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http://irregulargiggling.blogspot.com

I denounce them

Words I Don't Like:

Slippery

Discourse

Panties

Empire*

Romantic

Words I Do Like:

Polyp

Lunch

Salacious

Mug

Irradiated

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* Like the waist, which would be fine, but it's pronounced stupid.

http://irregulargiggling.blogspot.com

Internet love is almost like real love, but with less touching

Check that out. That's like a real honest to goodness internet award of some kind! I didn't get it through any crooked voting or popularity contest either. I got nominated fair and square by Jeff over at This is Why Your Hold Time Is So Long (the same that came up with the One Syllable Horror Title "Boobs," for which we should all thank him profusely and probably with chocolate. Anyway it has something to do with being honest in your blog, which is funny since everything I write here is completely made up except for the parts about how I envision bloody death everywhere I go. That part's true.

So, I'm supposed to pass it on to three other bloggers, hence diminishing my own accomplishment by giving it to others. I thought about just saying "Fuck that, I'm taking this home and putting it on my mantle and no one else can have it," but then I realized I don't have a mantle and besides it's an e-picture, which are hard to put up, what with having to unplug your monitor and then fit it inside a frame and then you get done with all that and realize that unplugging the monitor made the e-picture go away. It's possible I've tried this before.

Okay, so that said, here are the three I choose, because they haven't been chosen by others and I read them nearly every day and even check sometimes on weekends to see if they also don't have a life and feel like Saturday night blogging is actually where it's at:

Fuck You Penguin: All right, so this one is pretty well known and me nominating them is sort of like the star of the local production of Romeo and Juliet bestowing an Oscar on Helen Mirren or something, but it's funny and I like it and plus it's mostly pictures, so not too much reading for you lot out there who bitch anytime I recommend a book.

Incandescently Happy: Ms. Theresa Cha takes amazing pictures and sometimes explains them and sometimes just leaves you with an image of her beating someone on a cross and refuses to tell you why, like that's just something that happens in Korea, didn't you know?

Sassafras Junction: Did you know that's how sassafras is spelled? I didn't. Ms. McNasty is part of my attempt to understand the American South* as I run around down here behind enemy lines.


Runners up are A Pretty Nice Little Saturday, who would totally win if she would ever stop paying so much attention to her job and her "real" friends and write a blog once in awhile, and Miss Minneapolis, who has sadly left us on account of finding love or some nonsense, which just goes to show that non-Internet love is for suckers.

All right, so get out there and read everything I read so we can finally accomplish the mind meld, and then I can just think my blogs and not have to check for typos**.


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* That's what people in other countries call it because apparently it's not south of everything. I flunked geography, so what would I know.

**There probably aren't typos in my brain. Twisted nonsequitors, but no typos.


http://irregulargiggling.blogspot.com

Two Weddings and a Funeral

Highlights of my cousin's wedding in rural Maine:

• Before anything began, before even my first drink, I bent down to get something out of my purse and smashed my head into the back of a chair, so now I have a bruise on my forehead implying raucous drunkenness that never really came to fruition.
• My uncle leaning across the table to ask my sister "What's that between your BOOBS?" in reference to her tattoo.
• The early no-show for karaoke which resulted in my deaf cousin (the bride) stumbling through "Summer of '69" by herself until she was bailed out by the everyone present in a terrible cacophony of off-key singing
• All the cousins from my side of the family collaborating on Monster Mash (my choice)

So, in the spirit of Way Back Tuesday, I was going to tell the story of the first wedding I ever went to or something, but then all I could remember was something about some organza and champagne and being really really bored, so I decided to tell about the first funeral of someone I knew.

I was about 10 or 11, and the husband of the organist in our church passed away. It being a congregation of about twelve people, and my mom being the priest, this was one of the Adults In My Life, so I went to the memorial service, and my parents even let me go right up to the open casket in that whole "check out the body" time. I was interested to find out that dead people look a lot like alive people, but sleeping and with darker eyelashes, and I was leaning in to see what they smelled like, when I was also interested to discover that they talked like alive people too. Except that they talked about themselves in the third person.

Then, his wife answered him, and I realized that the voices were actually coming from behind me. Turning around, I discovered the organist and her husband standing behind me. I figured then that the thing in the casket must be one of those wax sculptures like we had seen in Ripley's Believe it or Not and the organist's husband had faked his death and then been so ballsy as to show up at his own funeral and talk about himself in the third person, and everyone was playing along.

My mom told me that he had an identical twin, and that was the man I met at the funeral, but I still think my explanation was better.



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http://irregulargiggling.blogspot.com

Diary of My February

Early in February it was quite cold, and I did not want to run:

The cats agree:

Later, we went to Philadelphia, where it turns out, it's pretty warm compared to Chicago.  

We learned important history lessons, like that everyone stands in front of the Liberty Bell for a picture, and they all act very civilized:

I also learned that if you walk in behind a group of Chinese tourists, you will have a terrifying moment where you wonder if you missed the outcome of some important war, because the employees will accidentally speak Chinese to you, and all the displays will already have the "tell me about history in Chinese" button pressed, and you'll have to ask your Houseboy if he's hearing it too.  

In other history news, turns out the Irish were not totally happy about coming here, and a lot of them died:

When not speaking Chinese, the people of Philadelphia like to remember the potato famine.

When we got home, it was 55 degrees outside, and Chicago looked like this:

   

Welcome home!

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The iPod on Random Game

So, here's what you do.  Put your iPod (or other music player, or computer or pile of records or whatever) on random and write about the first five songs you hear.  Here are mine:

1.  "The Times They Are A-Changin'" by Simon & Garfunkel

This is not one of my favorite Simon & Garfunkel songs, but it does remind me of the record player at my parents' house.  My mom would usually play Simon and Garfunkel or Carol King while we were cleaning and it made it more fun.  She'd put on the record and move the furniture while my sister or I ran the dust mop around the room.  When I was old enough, she let me put the records on and listen to them with the giant headphones--the kind that sort of suction to your ears, especially when you are 10 years old and have a tiny head.

2.  "Trunk" by Kings of Leon

Damn, I love this song.  It’s dark and creepy and makes you want to put every line as your Facebook status.  "I goooooooooooooot... One miiiiiiiiiiiiiiile to go.  On down the rooooooooad.  On down the road."  This is one of those bands that I stumbled on completely by accident, and they have quickly become iPod regulars.  Our dog, Flower, used to perk up every time they came on because she loved the jangly guitars.

3. "D'yer Mak'er" by Led Zeppelin

The first thing I think of when I hear this song now is the reference in a Hold Steady song: "They used to think it was so cute when she said 'Dire Maker.' All the boys knew it was a joke about Jamaica."  In addition to being one of their more pop-y songs, this one is unusual in its total lack of science fiction references.  I love Led Zeppelin because even when they talk about The Lord of the Rings or do a reggae song, they rock.

4. "Thank You Friends" by Big Star

This IS random.  Big Star was added by Houseboy awhile back, and I have barely listened to it, so this is like the first time.  I always find the sort of punk-English accent kind of funny, particularly when used in non-punk songs.  This is pretty though, and I should listen to it more.

5. "Tie My Hands" by Lil Wayne and Robin Thicke

Funny, Houseboy just played this for me yesterday.  Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's (of "Growing Pains" fame) son.  He has a very pretty voice.  I remember he came out with an album a year or more ago and it seemed kind of cheesy, but his voice almost made it worth it.  This one is a pretty standard R&B / rap collaboration on first listen, but Thicke's voice makes it more interesting, and once you listen closely to the lyrics you realize it's pretty dark.  "I work at the corner store.  We all got problems, problems.  No one's gonna fly down low.  No one's gonna save us now."  

"My whole city underwater, some people still floatin' 

And they wonder why black people still voting. 

'Cause your president still choking. 

Take away the football team, the basketball team, 

And all we got is me to represent New Orleans, shit."

Shit, indeed Lil Wayne.  Because this song is awesome, but you are crazy as a mofo.  

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How to look hot when it's zero degrees outside

Step One--Get your Houseboy to help you make a pizza:

Step Two--Put toppings on your pizza and bake it up good:

Step Three--Get your Houseboy to make you mac and cheese:

Step Four--Don't forget a big pile of cookies:

Step Five--Collapse under the weight of cheese and chocolate and get your Houseboy to cover you with a blanket.

[Photo Not Available]

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P.S. This was written yesterday, but then I got "busy" at "work" and forgot to post it.  While on that note, it has been brought to my attention that the post about writing short stories in staff meetings might look bad to coworkers who stumble across it.  Consider this a late disclaimer: I am joking.  Of course I always focus on work while at work.  Work IS my life, okay?  I love every single meeting in this place.  It's not just a bunch of stuff that people do, it's ME.  I'd like to thank the Academy.  

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Things to Do Before I'm 30: The Impossible List

I never actually made one of these lists before I turned 30, and in fact I never thought 30 was such a bad thing to turn, so I haven't been on the ball with getting nervous and angsty and upset about my birthday.  Now that it happened, though, I figure I should act my age and have some kind of crisis over the things I meant to accomplish.  So here's a list I came up with after the fact, of things I will now feel bad about not having done already.

1.  Swim with the dolphins.  I wanted to do this when I was a kid, but my mom said it was too expensive, and besides, don't you think the dolphins deserve to be left alone?  Before I was 30 I could have ignored her, but now I'm too old anyway because it's a well-known fact that dolphins attack old people.

2.  Become a gymnast.  Somewhere around puberty I discovered that I have no hand-eye coordination and terrible balance.  I should have worked on that more.

3.  Commit the perfect murder.  I have it all planned out.  Maybe I can still do this one.

4.  Wear rubber leggings to a club and start one of those dances where everyone circles around you because you're so awesome and you teach them a new move and everyone buys you things because you're so cool.

5.  Seven hotdogs and seven beers in seven innings.  You heard me.

6.  Get on the Late Show with David Letterman.  Because that man is sexy with a capital SEX.

7.  Be the first woman to... whatever.  First, I wanted to be president until I found out that presidents are boring.  Then I wanted to be the first female Major Leaguer.  See #2.

8.  Learn to make a souffle.  Have it comically deflate.  Sit on the floor of my kitchen and cry.

9.  Beat Houseboy in Trivial Pursuit.  The synapses are only getting less firey with age, not more. 

10.  Raise a pig for the slaughter, but at the last minute change my mind and go on a long road trip with it that ends in tragedy when he dies of pig old age.  

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Random Thoughts Set to Music

Above, you can see our trip into the rain in Wisconsin, set to Tegan and Sara.  Below, you can see the random things that popped into my head while listening to The Black Keys "Rubber Factory" on my way home yesterday.  

1. When the Lights Go Out:

"Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot."  Sometimes I trip on the way to the bus stop.

2. 10 A.M. Automatic:

 Suddenly aware I'm not wearing a seatbelt.  Seeing as how I'm riding the bus, this should not be a surprise.

3. Just Couldn't Tie Me Down:

Funny how anything out of a bus window looks like a music video if you listen to your iPod loud enough.

4. All Hands Against His Own:

My heart is beating really fast.  Or faster than usual.  Or harder.  It's probably amyloidosis.  Anyway, call Dr. House if I pass out, because I deserve the best.

5. The Desperate Man:

That statue just off 35th street kind of looks like the prostitute spire in Dublin.

6. Girl is On My Mind:

Nothing is on my mind

7. The Lengths:

Remember having underwater teaparties at the pool?  That was fun.

8. Grown So Ugly:

Did that dude just throw a seed pod at me?  What the f*ck was that about?

9. Stack Shot Billy:

Mmmm.  Barbeque.

10. Act Nice and Gentle:

One time, after a particularly late work night and an early morning, a number two bus just breezed right past my stop and didn't stop for me, and I started jumping up and down and screaming "F*ck you!  F*ck you!!"  That was a good day.

11. Aeroplane Blues:

Outside Windy's Deli a pug sits at the very end of his rope and watches a blue bottle roll around in the wind.  "Pug and the Blue Bottle" would be a great name for a folksy blues band. 

12. Keep Me: 

How exactly do people's underwear end up frozen on the ground?  

13. Till I Get My Way:

Yay!  First birthday card of the year!

List O' The Week

A new feature, ladies and gentlemen: List O' The Week.  In this feature I will be lazy and not write in full sentences.  This week's list:Things I Will Do Today Instead of Working.  Enjoy!

1. Make myself some tea and oatmeal
   
2. Talk to Houseboy on the googletalks
3. Catch up on Dugout Chats
4. Refill my tea
   
5. Chat with Hedgehog 
   
6. Read Hedgehog's Blog  (rhyming is fun!)
   
7. Meet a strange man in the ladies room holding a wrench and standing over the heater
   
8. Refill my tea, but worry a little bit about it this time
   
9. Catch up on Natalie Dee
   
10. Pretend I lost everything in a fire and somehow had a million dollars in insurance and restock my home at Anthropologie.com
    
11. Investigate the bathroom.  Decide to use the one downstairs
    
12. Refill my tea
    
13. Reheat some delicious risotto made by Houseboy and eat it at my desk, so it looks like I'm working hard
    
14. Feed the new office fish
    
15. Turn on my Japanese star lantern so that it looks more cheery in here
    
16. Decide the bathroom is safe, discover I still have hat hair
    
17. Refill my tea
    
18. Enter what I've eaten into my food log.  Skip all the cups of tea.
19. Check out Twins Geek for Twins news
20. Join a coworker in taunting the fish with a mirror
21. Eat a bunch of candy from the office candy dish
22. Refill my tea
23. Leave it on my desk and head home early because of "weather"

Hypothesis: Interest in my life has plummeted

By you all, that is. Not by me. I'm not suicidal or anything. Though I am also rather disinterested in the tawdry daily toils of an office drone, so I suppose I can't blame you. As incentive to find me entertaining, here are five things I did today that may change the history of the world.

1) I wore a "Halloween Costume" that consists of my Eddie Guardado jersey, Twins hat, and Houseboy's baseball spikes. This makes bathroom trips an adventure in metal sliding around on tile.

2) I forgot to take my migraine prevention medication this morning, and my neck keeps cracking. Possibly unrelated.

3) I led a hostile takeover of Denmark under the rallying cry of "Hamlet for Benevolent Dictator," because I fell asleep to the Kenneth Branaugh version of the play last night and it invaded my dreams.

4) I bought the majority interest in the American Dollar, and I'm now using my control over this stock to make Argo Tea drinks cost less.

5) I changed my coworker's auto-correct option in Word so that when she types "the" it will come out "robrules." This accomplishes the dual task of a) annoying/confusing her and b) blaming an intern, which may result in his disembowelment.

Your guess is as good as mine as to which of these items will have the largest effect on our world today.

Voting Is Your Duty

The All-Star Voting is open, and already the general idiocy of Americans and the ridiculously expansive free time of Yankees fans is becoming apparent. For this reason, I am reaching out to all of you, most of whom are not really big baseball fans, but who have the common bond of probably not wanting to see my head explode. Vote here, and PLEASE do me a favor and don't even THINK about clicking on any Yankees or Red Sox? If you are really confused, and just want the good guys to win, but you're not sure who they are, you can use my sample ballot, below. Just remember that I pay a fly's eyelash worth of attention to the National League, so some of my choices there may be a little wonky (i.e., based on the two games I've seen them play against the Twins, or their former careers in the AL). Oh, and you can vote up to 25 times on one e-mail address, so just enter your choices and keep hitting "Vote Again." Your choices are saved from the last time. America thanks you.

American League

First Base: Justin Morneau. This is absolutely a tragic joke. David Ortiz (former Twin, beloved by all Twins fans) is currently leading this position. He has played at this position for just about 3 tenths of a second. He is a DH. I'm sorry that you can't vote in a DH, but that's just too fucking bad, Red Sox. Get over it and put someone in this slot that actually fields.

Second Base: Luis Castillo. A great player. Mostly I'm voting for him because he's a Twin. But that makes him inherently superior, so if you really know nothing and have no opinions, just do as I do and vote as I vote.

Shortstop: Jason Bartlett. Not even on the leader board right now, which is really sad. He doesn't exactly have huge offensive power, but I'm pretty sure he actually starts fielding balls BEFORE they're hit. Psychic powers or something.

Third Base: Troy Glaus. Besides looking disturbingly like a high school classmate of Houseboy's and basically ripping a giant hole in reality every time he plays against the Twins, Glaus has 268 career home runs and a .300 batting average this year. He could stand to walk a little more, but he can actually field a bit too, so that kind of evens out.

Catcher: Joe Mauer. Joe Joe the Monkey Catcher Mauer. He's a CATCHER. He won the BATTING TITLE. He's 24 years old, 6'4" and still growing. He and Morneau used to share a bachelor pad where they stayed up late playing video games and eating Doritos and Mountain Dew and making prank calls. He's slowly teaching Morneau the intricacies of facial expression. Look, it's just a no brainer, so stop thinking about it and vote for him.

Outfielders: I'm going to try to avoid a long tirade on the ridiculosity of lumping three positions into one as if putting your left fielder in center field for a game wouldn't just make the Metrodome cave in on your head, and give you my picks.

Michael Cuddyer. As Bert Blyleven said during an interleague game a little while back: "WHY do they keep RUNNING on Michael CUDDYER?!!?!?!!!" He has a cannon. And it has a laser sight. And if you try to squeeze an extra base out of that weak little right field hit, you're going to be very, very sorry. Oh, and he recently explained the intricacies of playing balls off the Hefty Bag, and it actually made sense. This was either a well-guarded secret of Twins outfielders, or he's the first one to actually figure it out logically.

Torii Hunter. Please. If you make me explain this I will actually scream. HE. CAN. FLY. LITERALLY.

Shannon Stewart. Former Twin, former member of the "Soul Patrol." Came in to numerous (including my own) cries against wasting money on a mid-season replacement that we'd never be able to keep. Stayed for another 3 seasons and made us cry when he had to go. Never had a nickname except: "SHANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!"

National League:

Prince Fielder, Orlando Hudson (O.Hud!), Cristian Guzman (GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZ), Craig Counsell, Benjie Molina (I like him, ok?), Alfonso Soriano (big surprise), Ken Griffey, Jr. and Jacque (not JOCK) Jones.

Ok, so get to voting!

Protect the Employees

So, while waiting for my frozen Amy's Bean and Veggies and Rice and Stuff bowl to heat up in the microwave today, I spent a little time examining the above poster, which is hanging in the corner of the little kitchenette area. Now, this is a standard poster, and obviously intended to provide useful information to as many work situations as possible, so my list below should not be read as a criticism of the poster makers or their brethren, but rather as a simple "Aren't workplace situations funny sometimes" observation. Much like Apocalypse Now.

Things This Poster Will Help Me Address at My Downtown Chicago White Collar Office:

1. Severed Body Parts. This is an exact quote: "body parts." They refuse to get more specific. I can only assume that we are meant to be covering everything from a situation in which my SAS program goes horribly wrong and my hands are sucked into my keyboard to a Lorena Bobbitt domestic violence showdown. Either way, we are informed that we should NOT put the "part" directly on ice, nor should we attempt to clean the "part."

2. Chemicals in the Eyes. In the strong likelihood that I accidentally pour acid into my eyes while distracted by writing the introduction to a report on summer school, I should attempt to flush them using one of the following: an eyewash (sadly my job has not provided these for every floor), a water fountain (very reasonable), or a garden hose. I guess I'll be making a trip to the rooftop garden, since we don't have a water fountain nearby.

3. Blocked Airways. When someone inhales a giant chunk of hot dog at next week's "Summer Solstice" celebration, I will know exactly what to do. First, make the person's cheeks transparent. Second, ram two fingers down their throat. Third, retrieve the hot dog for later use. As warned above, do NOT put it directly on ice.

4. Choking. This one is a fairly straightforward description of the Heimlich maneuver. Except that they add additional instructions for people who are pregnant or "Very Obese." Mercifully, the drawing shows someone pregnant, but one can extrapolate to imagine grabbing a very, very fat man around his man-boobs and squeezing.

Top 10 Dugout Chats

So, one time, I wrote this blog about how much I liked a certain dugout chat about Mr. Alfonso Soriano. Now, the site has actually personally requested that I make a list of my favorite chats! You can see the personal request right on their front page. It doesn't mention me by name, but you can see the little hints that it's really meant only for me. Anyway, I'm not one to ignore a general request from someone I've never met, so here's my list:

10. Jim Thome sings about the Twins Obviously, I have my predilections toward certain teams. Particularly the best team in baseball in the whole entire universe. I also appreciate the characterization of the legendary Twins-killer on this site as essentially a butterfly-chasing four-year-old. It makes me giggle.

9. The Straight Man Chatroom, Part 1 and Part 2 These really can't be separated, though the second one has most of the punchline. Somehow, the A-Rod and Derek Jeter are gay lovers joke never really gets old for me.

8. Josh Papelbon Gets Drafted Jon Papelbon is slightly more intelligent than Jim Thome on this site. Though only slightly. Also, "/tomfoolery" might be the funniest one line I've ever seen.

7. Who is Your Tiger? I remember watching the Tigers play in 2003 and seeing poor Dmitri Young running around trying to play all 9 positions and slowly, slowly having his spirit crushed by the utter incompetence and disinterest of his teammates. This chat is ushering a new era. Or something.

6. A Jeep Thing Again, Jim Thome is like a giant, adorable, home-run-smashing, dream-crushing teddy bear. With footy jams.

5. Yor on defense Jon Papelbon outsmarts Kyle Farnsworth. Golden.

4. Pete Rose Stains the Game This is really a series of chats, all of which have the same joke. This is my favorite, but here's a runner up, featuring Stain'd

3. Kirby He has a space on my couch anytime. Though it might be kind of weird for him to come back to life just to stay on a futon in Hyde Park. I wouldn't ask questions, though.

2. The Twins Rule Everyone else drools. But no one knows it. More people should know it. But not so many that I'll start seeing hipster doofuses (doofai?) wearing Twins gear. As Slug says "It sucks that you think where I'm from is whack, but as long as thats enough to keep your ass from comin back"

1. You Saw This Coming Alfonso Soriano. Frank Robinson. Confusion. Buying 20,000 second base bags. It doesn't get any better.

Sponsor Me!

So, I've come up with a list of things I'd like to be able to do, and I'm relying on you, my WIDE and VAST and AFFLUENT readership, to sponsor me. Probably I'll set up a paypal account or something. Or just mail me cash, and write on the bills in sharpie which item you're sponsoring.

Item 1: Run a Triathlon. I need help here in buying equipment, making me get up to run in the morning, and mostly pushing people out of my way in the water so I don't get scratched or drownded. Possibly I would accept you constructing some sort of plastic bubble for me to float along in. Though ideally that would be for the running part so I wouldn't have to work too hard.

Item 2: Live in Spain as a fishmonger. This is a well-known dream of mine, but so far no one has volunteered to pay my airfare or to teach me the monger. I could also use people speaking Spanish at me in that weird accent they have with the "ths" and "shs" and all.

Item 3: Be 5'6". This involves a baseball bat, a weird metal instrument and absolutely no squeamishness, from what I understand. Or, you could fly me to Mexico where they'll pretty much do whatever surgery you ask them to.

Item 4: Become a world-famous juggler. As I am currently a regionally-famous clutz, this might actually involve impersonating me in performances and then allowing me to bask in the glow of fame and riches that will surely follow.

Ok, that's it. Let the money and favors roll in.