Thursday, July 2, 2009

Horror Movies, Part I

As promised, here is Part One of my horror movie ideas for your one syllable English word challenges. For Jeff, we have Boobs, Starring Tara Reid, and for Shine, we have "Umm..."

Without further ado:

Boobs, Starring Tara Reid

We open on a young woman dressing, we see her from behind, and she is beautiful. Shapely and tan with luxurious blonde hair that she flips over the collar of a dress as she pulls it on with no bra underneath. Yeah, we're turned on already. This is going to be a great movie.

We follow the woman's legs as she pulls on stiletto heels and heads out on the town. At a bar, she twirls an olive in a martini and talks to an average-looking stranger. (Hey, we're average-looking! Isn't that nice for us!) They leave the restaurant together.

Back at what is obviously his apartment, she slowly turns her back on him and removes a large knife from her purse and holds it behind her, but right up to us, the camera. He comes in close and begins to unbutton her dress slowly as she arches against him. As he reaches his hand inside her dress he looks down, and his eyes grow wide, and he begins to back away. The camera pans around, and we see her beautiful face for the first time as she smiles maliciously and brings the knife around to the front. Tracing it down her cheek and neck, she then presses it harder against her as she reaches her chest until it draws blood.

"Do you like my boobs?" She hisses.


Umm... (Marketed in Europe alternately as "Ehh..." "Errr..." and "Uhhh....")

In an office, just like any other office. The fluorescent lights flicker in that way they always do. People in ill-fitting collared shirts and khaki pants slightly stained with salad dressing carry file folders from offices to cubicles and back. The loudest noise is the copy machines and the clickety clackety clickety clackety of keyboards.

Isla picks up her styrofoam cup of coffee, sighs heavily and trudges over to Ellen's desk, where Ellen is staring at a Post-It note that says "The fourth one."

"The fourth what?" Isla asks.

"Fuck if I know," says Ellen. "Meeting time?" Isla nods, and Ellen grabs her mug, the Post-It and a notebook, and they head back to the conference room with a distinct lack of hurry. Settling into the uncomfortable chairs, they avoid eye contact and doodle on their notebooks until a paunchy, balding man calls the meeting to order.

"Ellen and Isla," he says, "I have your presentation here, and this is a nice little piece of work, but I think for the maximization of our profit bandwidth it's time to move beyond our B.A.U."


"What I'm trying to communicate is that our action items will continue to be branded as deliverables only inasmuch as we can drink from the fire hose here and become a part of the paradigm shift."


"Somehow I'm getting the impression that you are not key enablers of our integrated solution at this juncture and I have done all I can to incent you to avoid restructuring..."


{Cut to outside the office building, which explodes. Ellen and Isla walk away unscathed and with small, calm smiles}



UMM (The Cheating Version)

On the small, close-knit campus of the University of Minnesota in Morris (UMM), no one expected the violence that erupted on the Multicultural Student Leadership Retreat, and mystery has always surrounded the events that transpired around the bonding campfire that night. This movie will finally bring to light what really happened and why the students swore they would never tell another living soul...


Coming tomorrow: "TaB" and "Awkward." There is still time for more submissions, though, since what I'll actually be doing today is stuffing my face at the Taste of Chicago, since the basic outlines for those two stories are already in place.

I told you that you could not defeat me!

P.S.-- I should note that I have nothing against Tara Reid or her boobs. Actually, I feel kind of sorry for her, and if she wants to make my horror thriller and can find funding I'd be flattered. I think we'd make a great team.


  1. Actually, once you said Tara Reid, I realized that there has already been a horror show involving her boobs. Remember that red carpet incident? Scariest thing I've seen since The Excorcist

  2. Is the balding man who called the presentation "little" based on that former boss we both know and, umm, love?

  3. Jeff: Yeah, the red carpet incident was the inspiration for that movie. I figure we save some money on special effects?

    Saturday: It's sort of a composite character, but yes, there is definitely some of our shared boss in there :)

    Shine: Does that mean you're not satisfied? I mean, I think the office one is a little bit of the horror movie that has the audience cheering for the killers, but that's popular right now, right?

  4. Oh, I'm satisfied. Just seein' if I could scare you.

    Also, I might have some new digs on the internets. Just in addition to my old ones, not to replace my old ones. I haven't done much with it yet, here and let me know what you think!