Friday, March 26, 2010

Do I use the word random too much?

So last night I was brushing my teeth with my right hand* because I had to try to pull my left leg over my head at the same time because multitasking is important if you're going to get everything done in a day and I realized that I was doing better than usual (with the toothbrushing, not the stretching) and I decided that it was because of my heavily quantitative program right now, which has activated that left side of my brain.

I also had another great dream last night, and in this one I broke out of prison and went to visit one of my best friends in DC and showed up on her doorstep at 2 o'clock in the morning and she was all "Um, I have to work in the morning. Selfish, much?"

Thirdly, today I was trying to reach into my bag for something while continuing to walk and also avoid making eye contact with my economics professor (who I think might have Asperger's because eye contact seems to make him very uncomfortable (like, even more than me)) and something in my bag shoved itself up in between my fingernail and my finger and now it's all bloody under there and I narrowly avoided using a loud expletive in the presence of someone who holds my life in his hands, so to speak.

And lastly I hate Jim Rome and I hate Jim Rome Is Burning, and that's not new, it's just particularly salient to me right now for some reason maybe having to do with my throbbing fingernail.

* It might assist you in understanding this story to know that I'm left handed.

P.S., did anyone get the tag humor from yesterday? Because I was pretty proud of that until I realized none of you heathens read this on the actual page and so it went completely unnoticed...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Psychotic break

So, if it seems to you like this is just becoming a dream journal in which I remind you biweekly that my headbrain is still as messed up as it has always been, then you're right, because last night I dreamed that Houseboy was a meth addict and when I confronted him about it he was all "No, I'm not, I'm just experimenting, and I don't even do it that much" and then he snorted some meth, and I had to say "But you're doing meth RIGHT NOW, right in front of me!" And he just shrugged and then pulled out the baggie of meth (which in my head, apparently, looks a lot like rock salt) and a spoon and started spooning it into his mouth, and I was all "OMG, I don't think that's how you're supposed to do it, I don't even know if that is better or worse, both in terms of getting high and in terms of dying from being a big drug addict, FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE STOP IT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!"

But anyway the only reason I'm telling you about this is because Hedgehog today accused me of being in a "silly" mood, and I had to look back over our chat to see why she would say that, and I realized it was because she kept talking about totally normal things and I kept saying things like "When you say Mac it reminds me of mac and cheese!" or "You're a dirty sociologist!" or telling stories about how my mom used to say "Do you want sugar, honey? Or honey, sugar?" when she made me tea, and so really by "silly mood," she was just being nice and really she meant that I had reverted to being a four year old who just said whatever random thing came into my head, and so I decided that I should share this story on a blog because I really haven't done enough damage today.


Monday, March 22, 2010

Joe Joe the Monkey Catcher

Today I am very happy because the Pohlads have finally made good use of that ol' farm-foreclosin' money to sign hometown boy, MVP and dreamy-sideburns-having Joe Mauer to an eight year contract extension, which means that for once Yankees fans have to swallow their ass-holery and admit that they won't be getting this one for their stable and that, at least until they buy Albert Pujols by promising to dip his entire family in gold and feed them diamonds for breakfast, our catcher is better than their catcher, so there.

For a real discussion of real things related to this news, go here:

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Getting to know me

Word I wish people used to describe me when I'm not around: Stalwart

Word they almost certainly actually use: Goober

When you tell me your name I say: Harold, nice to meet you!

When you tell me your name I think: Shit, what was that name again?

Number of socks I own: 743

Pairs of sock I own: no idea

Number of times per day I keep myself from saying something stupid: 12,281 (on average)

Number of times per day I say something stupid anyway: a matter of opinion

If I had to describe what it's like inside my head I would say: Have you seen that game where they stand in a phone booth and try to catch money while it flies around?

What it's really like inside my head: Imagine like if cotton were soaked in black tar and you're trying to find a feather using a metal detector but you have to watch out for the laser pointer on the end that can get really hot and accidentally shoot down things in outer space.


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Because I am old

Here are some things I no longer find cute or amusing:

  1. When you pull up in your car and turn to your friend and say "I didn't want to say anything when I picked you up, but I think I'm still drunk from last night! Ha ha!"
  2. When you wear pajamas as clothing, particularly when you have a hard time crossing the street quickly enough because your bunny slippers are sliding off the back of your feet.
  3. When you're totally making out in the student center and start sliding over the back of the couch and into my head.

Things, on the other hand, that make me laugh out loud only not out loud, but in my head because I'm sitting here alone, and I am not crazy:

  1. When you keep trying to sneak a peak of your hair in the window reflection whenever he isn't looking.
  2. When you try to discuss the finer points of plagiarism, like whether it's really cheating if you don't, like, copy the whole thing.
  3. That you sat rightnexttome even though there are 30,000 open seats in other places, including South Dakota.

Oh wait, that last one doesn't amuse me, it makes me murderous. Sometimes I get confused on account of all the laughing that is happening as I'm stabbing you to death.