Friday, February 26, 2010

Why we don't have neighbors

So, recently our next door neighbors moved out and an annex to the clinic next door moved in, which is good for us because sometimes I have loud "night time activities," and get your mind out of the gutter, because you know I mean yelling about spiders invading my brain. Obviously, I've mentioned before that sometimes giant spiders of various leg-to-body ratios come crawling down our walls or through our windows or out from under my pillow, and sometimes I have to inform Houseboy about this in the calmest of voices and then usually I have to take care of it myself because he doesn't believe me and so he has this whole thing where he claims I'm dreaming and then I have to logically explain about how I'm not dreaming this time, even though I know that last time I was dreaming, but this time it's for real I promise, get the emergency kit.

Anyway, apparently I really do talk very calmly and without emotion during this time, which made last night where I started yelling "DO YOU SEE THAT?? HOUSEBOY!!! DO YOU SEE IT??" maybe even more disturbing, because really if tarantulas the size of Marmaduke don't make me scream, then what will? And I can tell you that I don't remember what caused it, but what was happening is that there was a big metal hook hanging from the ceiling and a string was stretched from the ceiling to the floor, and there was a viscous liquid dripping down the string, and this was upsetting because I didn't remember setting that up before bed, and also when Houseboy wouldn't tell me for sure if he saw it or not, I realized that what he wanted was for me to touch it, and I was pretty sure it was on fire, and everyone knows that grabbing a string that is on fire is just not a good idea, so I thought that he was being more than a little unreasonable. Nonetheless, I am nothing if not brave and willing to put my life on the line so that other people won't have to totally wake up at 3 a.m. and deal with the fact that David Lynch now lives with us and has an odd sense of humor, so I reached out to touch it and it kept getting farther away until I was in the bathroom and realized I had to pee, so I did and then went back to bed and we shall never speak of it again.


Thursday, February 25, 2010

Like a good neighbor...

Today I was nearly bested in battle by a Diet Dr. Pepper bottle, but in case you're getting worried I can assure you that the story ends happily, so don't freak out or anything. So, to accompany my lunch, I bought a bottle of pop from the pop machine, and yes I'm going to keep saying "pop" no matter how many people look at me funny, because as I discussed yesterday, I'm used to people looking at me funny. And I got the bottle back to my office, which I ordinarily share with about 73 other people, but was lucky enough to have to myself this afternoon, or at least I THOUGHT I was lucky until I tried to open the pop and it wouldn't budge. Ok, so I might have the grip of an arthritic 80 year old, and so I tried to loosen it using my fork, and I accomplished separating the top from that plastic ring part, but it still wouldn't turn, not even a little bit. So then I came at it with both stapler and hole puncher and possible tried throwing it at the wall and/or feeding it to alligators, and really wishing my sometimes annoying and always plentiful office mates were around so that I would know I wasn't crazy.

But then I brought the bottle to class and passed it around to many burly PhD students, none of whom could make any headway and I felt less crazy, but also a little more crazy because they were like "Did you CHEW on it?" because of the hole punching marks and I had to be like "Um, no, did you?" And then I brought it home and stalwart Houseboy had no luck, so I took it outside and hit it with a hammer until the top flew off and rocketed across the yard, along with half the pop, and I laughed and then realized that one of the nurses who works at the clinic next door was having a smoke break and staring at me wielding a hammer and a half-full bottle of pop and wearing my pajamas, and when I told Houseboy, he said "She didn't know they were your pajamas," and I said, "So, she thinks this is how I dress. That's better."

And all in all, it was Klassy with a Kapital K, and I'm happy to report that I'm now drinking some semi-flat diet Dr. Pepper and reading articles about teachers' practices in tracked classrooms as compared to heterogeneous grouping and feeling very very proud of myself and only a little damp.


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

No, no, no, no, no, I'm not even kidding, not even a little bit. Someone is taking Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice," which, by the way, being a girl and a dorky one at that, I loved loved loved when I was about 13 and actually haven't outgrown, someone is taking that book and they are ADDING ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES. Click the link, damn you, it's ZOMBIES!!

When Houseboy told me about this I laughed out loud for forty minutes straight and then after he got the oxygen tank and cleaned me up, I realized that this is the best moment of my life, except for that moment in the future where I see that movie.

And also, it completely and totally undoes the moment I had earlier today where I loaned my ID/passkey to someone on my way to the bathroom, and she was like "You don't need it?" and I was like "No, I'm going to the bathroom," and she was like "Ha ha, you won't need it in the bathroom!" and I just laughed and didn't even say what I thought which was "Unless I get murdered in there and they cut off my face and fingers and then I don't have ID and they can't identify my body, hahaha, funny right? Why are you looking at me like that?"

And I thought maybe I was growing up because even though the thought came into my head, I realized that other people who don't know me that well might not find it funny, but disturbing and it's better if your coworkers don't find you disturbing, but then the JANE AUSTEN AND ZOMBIES happened and I realized that I will never ever grow up, because if I do, then awesome things like this might stop happening, because yes, the things in my head do sometimes end up as movies and if I stop thinking them they will stop happening.

You're welcome.


Friday, February 19, 2010

Spring has Sprung

I know, I know, all my two readers in the northern climates are saying right now, "Oh poor poor you, you're about to complain about how it's warm and sunny outside and there are buds on the trees and green grass even though actually the grass has been green all winter, even under that two inches of snow and please I'm still trapped under four feet of snow and very very angry at Punxsutawney Phil and MTV Spring Break programming who just live to taunt me..."

But to you I say, "Good lord, let me get a word in edgewise on my own blog already!"

And then I remind you that spring is like cake. If you've ever worked in an office for more than two months straight, particularly that kind that has lots of floors of lots of people working in cubicles all day who will take any excuse to get away from their desk and eat sugar so that then they can get all antsy in their pantsy and maybe flirt with the receptionist and go home feeling like Mad Men instead of like Cat People, then you know that cake is in the eye of the beholder. If you've been a good little bunny and eaten your brown rice and vegetables and if you're a carnivore, a bit of skinless chicken, and gone for miles and miles of runs and are very proud of your fantastic superiority as both a citizen and a human being, then a little sliver of chocolate cake with some nice butter cream frosting and maybe just a corner of one of those pinkish flowers that you can pretend taste different from the rest of the frosting is like heaven on earth and you thank God for having invented cake and taste buds and your coworkers and everything on earth that brought you to this point where you could have this moment.

On the other hand, if it's just after Christmas and you've been stuffing your face with doughnuts and candy and cookies and everybody's grandmother's recipe for the best whatever that was made this side of where ever for about two months, and then your cubicle neighbor comes by and says "Oh, hey, it's BlahBlah's birthday today, so we picked up an Entenmann's at the Walgreens down the street, come get it before it's gone," then you'll probably be like "Eh..." And even if BlahBlah is your bestest friend in the cubicle maze you'll just have a bite or two out of politeness and you won't even enjoy it.

Spring in Nashville is like the Entenmann's after Christmas. I haven't earned it, I'm not ready for it, and tasty and beautiful as it is promising to be, I'm going to remain a Grinch and complain about having to put away my coats when it hasn't even been six weeks since that damned rodent saw his shadow as he does every year.

Bah humbug.


Thursday, February 18, 2010

My terrifying view into the future

Today I bought a soda pop from the vending machine and drank it all up and then filled the bottle with water and drank all that up too except not quite because there was a little left at the bottom and there wasn't a place to dump it out or a recycling bin anywhere, so I threw it in the trash and right after it left my hand I thought about the alien archeologists of the future who will find it deep in the strata of our temple to the god Styrofoam and will use the DNA from my saliva to create an army of drones to run their factories, and that really creeped me out.

On the other hand, I won't be there, so whatever.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Benjamin Bratt was overrated

So, sometimes when I walk to and fro and about town alone, I like to pretend that I got murdered and Detectives Green* and Briscoe are investigating it, maybe with the help of Booth and Bones, depending on how long I think it would be until someone found my body and/or if the person who killed me would think to sprinkle my body with lye and hide it in a vacant home. Let's not talk about how that whole track in my mind makes me insane. Instead, let's talk about how Bones would definitely notice the large amount of bird shit on the bottom of my boots and be able to determine that I walk past the corner of 21st avenue and West End regularly, where apparently an entire flock of birds has been having some kind of family reunion for the last week. Or Green would notice that I wasn't wearing any tights today, and say something about how cold it is out (because in this version of the show they live in Nashville, so they think that 45 degrees is cold) and Lenny would have one of those clever one liners that he always had right before the commercial break, like "Well, she's certainly cold enough now!"

Okay, you know what, you were right the first time. This is just making me seem crazy. Today I walked to school and went to class and ate my lunch and at no point did I fantasize about Jerry Orbach standing over my dead body.

How was your day?

* Yes it has to be Green. He's a vegetarian!