Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I'm not broken, I'm just bent

So, I was googletalking with my friend Sweetbreads the other day, and we were talking about lying. She argued that she's good at it because she was a philosophy major, so she feels that if she can think it, it must be possible. This gives her good believability*.

I also fall victim to the "If I think it, it could be true" way of thinking, but it never seems to help me come up with believable lies. In fact I'm a really shitty liar and the only reason I ever get away with it is that I look like a shitty liar so people assume I don't even try. Score!

Anyway, the sort of things that pop into my head would never make good lies because they are usually bloody and kind of disturbing. For example, I was on the bus in Chicago once and saw a woman holding a baby and leaning out into the road, and I pictured her throwing the baby in front of the bus. That was gross. But not a good excuse for being late to work, because it would probably be on the news.

Also, in our new apartment some of our windows won't stay open, so I propped one up with a box and the Neurotic Cat decided to sit in the sill under this precariously hanging window. Of course I got a flash of him being squashed and blood squirting out everywhere. Instead of using that as an excuse for anything I started to think about how I would explain that to the vet. "Sorry new vet who just met us, I'm really not abusive to my animals, I just smash them with hammers sometimes when they're misbehaving. Can you fix him?"

Anyway, I think I could make one of those really shitty independent horror films about it, where I just walk and ride around and picture horrible things happening to people. It would be called "Lies." Or maybe "Existentialism," if I decide to get off the One Syllable Horror thing.

*It's like drinkability, but with more believing and less drinking. Most of the time.


  1. Excuse me, hi. I never get to googletalk with you. This makes me sad.

  2. Well, you just made me "LOL" twice in one day using e-words, so it's like we're googletalking. Only without the trademark. Are you really attached to the trademark?

  3. Now I just feel materialistic. Crap.

    No, I'm not attached to the trademark, but I never get to know when I make you "LOL," because if you typed "LOL" I would laugh, but if you just typed LOL I would roll my eyes at you for taking it seriously. Because no one is ever laughing out loud when they type that.

    You know what I really don't get? When people type lolololol. Does that mean they're laughing out loud out loud out loud out loud? Because I'm too old for this shit.

  4. I feel like a total ass anytime I type LOL, so I stopped doing it long ago. Sometimes I go for hahahahah. Is that any better? Either way, I feel old and it reminds me of when I was counseling middle schoolers and hate to say the phrase "Why do you think she's hating on you?" Which was actually a bonding moment, since we both laughed at me.