Celebrity News Donkey Donkey Donkey Donkey

One of Houseboy's manifold and myriad and splendiforous offerings to our household is keeping up on the world of celebrity gossip so that I don't ever have to come in contact with the E!! network or Bestest Weak Ever or any of those other shows that make me want to Google "pipe bomb" and "teeming darkness chatroom" at the same time. He just jets in with little tidbits of nonsense that he finds and lets me consume them like those bite-sized almond Snickers bars: not quite what I'd pick out for myself, but they're in the candy dish one cubicle over from mine, and I'll forget I've eaten them or even that they existed as soon as I've swallowed. Today's Almond Snickers bar was This Article about Some Actress in "Gossip Girl", which we only watched one time because the voiceover was done by Kristen Bell of "Veronica Mars" fame, and everything she does is the Most Awesome Thing Ever. Except Gossip Girl, which sucks.

So the article was entertaining enough on its own, I suppose, with the prison and the drugs and the white ladies getting off with only 16 months on smuggling like an elephant of pot into the country. But what was WAY MORE FUN was that I then Googled her mother and "screen writer" because I wanted to see these so-called screen-writing credits. And I found This Way More Awesome Article, which I hypothesize is actually THE SAME article translated into Japanese and then back into English.

My favorite parts include:

• Referring to pregnancy as being "already profound with Leighton" and having the baby as "gave being innate." These parts might actually be translated from Latin.
• That Leighton "has clever relations" with her parents and "plays a single of a womanlike leads." Dirrrrty!
  
• That the only completely grammatically correct sentence is "It turns out she was born in jail!" At least they know what to focus on.
  

But my very most favorite quote, that I'm definitely having tattooed in large letters on my back, because it's now my life motto, is this:

"And we consider it usually creates me conclude a things which we have right away."

Think about it.