Protect the Employees

So, while waiting for my frozen Amy's Bean and Veggies and Rice and Stuff bowl to heat up in the microwave today, I spent a little time examining the above poster, which is hanging in the corner of the little kitchenette area. Now, this is a standard poster, and obviously intended to provide useful information to as many work situations as possible, so my list below should not be read as a criticism of the poster makers or their brethren, but rather as a simple "Aren't workplace situations funny sometimes" observation. Much like Apocalypse Now.

Things This Poster Will Help Me Address at My Downtown Chicago White Collar Office:

1. Severed Body Parts. This is an exact quote: "body parts." They refuse to get more specific. I can only assume that we are meant to be covering everything from a situation in which my SAS program goes horribly wrong and my hands are sucked into my keyboard to a Lorena Bobbitt domestic violence showdown. Either way, we are informed that we should NOT put the "part" directly on ice, nor should we attempt to clean the "part."

2. Chemicals in the Eyes. In the strong likelihood that I accidentally pour acid into my eyes while distracted by writing the introduction to a report on summer school, I should attempt to flush them using one of the following: an eyewash (sadly my job has not provided these for every floor), a water fountain (very reasonable), or a garden hose. I guess I'll be making a trip to the rooftop garden, since we don't have a water fountain nearby.

3. Blocked Airways. When someone inhales a giant chunk of hot dog at next week's "Summer Solstice" celebration, I will know exactly what to do. First, make the person's cheeks transparent. Second, ram two fingers down their throat. Third, retrieve the hot dog for later use. As warned above, do NOT put it directly on ice.

4. Choking. This one is a fairly straightforward description of the Heimlich maneuver. Except that they add additional instructions for people who are pregnant or "Very Obese." Mercifully, the drawing shows someone pregnant, but one can extrapolate to imagine grabbing a very, very fat man around his man-boobs and squeezing.