Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Voting Is Your Duty

The All-Star Voting is open, and already the general idiocy of Americans and the ridiculously expansive free time of Yankees fans is becoming apparent. For this reason, I am reaching out to all of you, most of whom are not really big baseball fans, but who have the common bond of probably not wanting to see my head explode. Vote here, and PLEASE do me a favor and don't even THINK about clicking on any Yankees or Red Sox? If you are really confused, and just want the good guys to win, but you're not sure who they are, you can use my sample ballot, below. Just remember that I pay a fly's eyelash worth of attention to the National League, so some of my choices there may be a little wonky (i.e., based on the two games I've seen them play against the Twins, or their former careers in the AL). Oh, and you can vote up to 25 times on one e-mail address, so just enter your choices and keep hitting "Vote Again." Your choices are saved from the last time. America thanks you.

American League

First Base: Justin Morneau. This is absolutely a tragic joke. David Ortiz (former Twin, beloved by all Twins fans) is currently leading this position. He has played at this position for just about 3 tenths of a second. He is a DH. I'm sorry that you can't vote in a DH, but that's just too fucking bad, Red Sox. Get over it and put someone in this slot that actually fields.

Second Base: Luis Castillo. A great player. Mostly I'm voting for him because he's a Twin. But that makes him inherently superior, so if you really know nothing and have no opinions, just do as I do and vote as I vote.

Shortstop: Jason Bartlett. Not even on the leader board right now, which is really sad. He doesn't exactly have huge offensive power, but I'm pretty sure he actually starts fielding balls BEFORE they're hit. Psychic powers or something.

Third Base: Troy Glaus. Besides looking disturbingly like a high school classmate of Houseboy's and basically ripping a giant hole in reality every time he plays against the Twins, Glaus has 268 career home runs and a .300 batting average this year. He could stand to walk a little more, but he can actually field a bit too, so that kind of evens out.

Catcher: Joe Mauer. Joe Joe the Monkey Catcher Mauer. He's a CATCHER. He won the BATTING TITLE. He's 24 years old, 6'4" and still growing. He and Morneau used to share a bachelor pad where they stayed up late playing video games and eating Doritos and Mountain Dew and making prank calls. He's slowly teaching Morneau the intricacies of facial expression. Look, it's just a no brainer, so stop thinking about it and vote for him.

Outfielders: I'm going to try to avoid a long tirade on the ridiculosity of lumping three positions into one as if putting your left fielder in center field for a game wouldn't just make the Metrodome cave in on your head, and give you my picks.

Michael Cuddyer. As Bert Blyleven said during an interleague game a little while back: "WHY do they keep RUNNING on Michael CUDDYER?!!?!?!!!" He has a cannon. And it has a laser sight. And if you try to squeeze an extra base out of that weak little right field hit, you're going to be very, very sorry. Oh, and he recently explained the intricacies of playing balls off the Hefty Bag, and it actually made sense. This was either a well-guarded secret of Twins outfielders, or he's the first one to actually figure it out logically.

Torii Hunter. Please. If you make me explain this I will actually scream. HE. CAN. FLY. LITERALLY.

Shannon Stewart. Former Twin, former member of the "Soul Patrol." Came in to numerous (including my own) cries against wasting money on a mid-season replacement that we'd never be able to keep. Stayed for another 3 seasons and made us cry when he had to go. Never had a nickname except: "SHANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!"

National League:

Prince Fielder, Orlando Hudson (O.Hud!), Cristian Guzman (GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZ), Craig Counsell, Benjie Molina (I like him, ok?), Alfonso Soriano (big surprise), Ken Griffey, Jr. and Jacque (not JOCK) Jones.

Ok, so get to voting!

1 comment:

  1. So as to be a democratic as possible, i feel the other side(aka. the national league) needs a voice. I voted 100% along Brewers lines, because they are just the best. If it were the Brewers against the American League All-Star Team this year I would bet on that game and in the end pay off my student loans. But I am smarter then most. However, the below picks are not all Brewers because I really want to emphasize that the National League deserves respect, deserves attention, and deserves acknowledgment that it basically exists as a LEAGUE. The more conversations I have had with intelligent, baseball savvy American League fans I am shocked by their absolute disregard for the quality of play in the National League. It just hurts. From what I can see, the National League has talent, depth and crazy ambition. We are a force to be reckoned with. Enjoy.

    First Base:
    Prince Fielder, Brewers
    Fielder is the only choice. He's got a solid .379 and has an MLB best with his .639 slugging average. His 23 home runs tie him for the MLB best. He's is the best in all of Major League Baseball, he is in the National League and he is a Brewer. Enough said.

    2nd base
    Dan Uggla, Marlins
    Uggla is batting .262 with 12 home runs, 42 RBIs and his 25 doubles are one less than he collected the entire 2006 season when he was voted into the All Star Game. Uggla, however, has scored more runs than any NL second baseman (52), and his .836 OPS ranks fourth. And really the man can hit, in all parks. You may not recognize him considering there are more then 1 outstanding 2nd base players with the last name beginning with U. If you can’t decipher between the two “U’s” go with Weeks, a very close and worthy backup

    Short Stop:
    JJ Hardy, Brewers
    Hardy is the choice in a very tough field and people know it, but are afraid to stray from the “easy choice” of Reyes with his .311 average and his crazy base stealing stats, but you need to look at and trust in Hardy. With his 17 home runs, .285 average, 49 RBI’s and despite injuries, still fielding damn well. I mean, he is 24 years old having a break out season, if now is not the time to recognize and embrace this talent, then I ask you when is?! I know he has slowed down to a mortal pace since April, but he is still the best. Plus off the field he is as “all –american” as you can get! I mean please, he would have been a firefighter if not a baseball rock star and his hero’s in life are his parents!

    Third base
    Ryan Braun, Brewers
    Who? Braun, with his .300 average, 5 homeruns, 17 RBI’s and 4 stolen bases. He’s young, talented, and has great eyebrows…what’s not to love! Although, either he, Counsell or Graffanino are great candidates for your vote. I know the pull is towards the hefty Miguel Cabrera from Florida, I mean he is massive. But if he keeps gaining weight in the way he is I physically can’t see how he can keep maneuvering in the way 3B needs him to, unless he is chasing a turkey!

    Johnny Estrada, Brewers
    Overall a 291 average, 3 home runs, 19 RBI’s. Solid, solid player. I know that Lo Duca is supposedly the number one in this spot hitting his .320 ‘n all and is on the “best team in the league” and just had his 1,000 hit. But I can only give so much love to NY before I start thinking bad thoughts about myself, and Estrada is just a good.

    Center Field
    Aaron Rowand, Phillies
    I have been a fan of him, his amazing physical abilities and his singing voice for years. Within the league, Rowand is shaping up to be the best combination of offense and defense. Batting over .300, slugging like the offense of the past White Sox, and playing amazing defense in Center Field. Rowand is the choice. Don’t stop believing! And I am sincerely sorry to have seen you go from my AL team but it works well for the greater good of the National League.

    Left Field
    Matt Holliday, Rockies
    With an average of .366, a transformer sized rocket for an arm, 13 home runs, 58 RBI’s he is one of the most amazing players in MLB and no one notices him! Plus he is a ranking member of the Rockies which recently just handed the Yankees their asses in a bag.

    Right fielder
    Corey Hart, Brewers
    He has a .321 average, 9 home runs, 29 RBI’s and 14 stolen bases. And he is on a summer spree with a current average hovering around .350. Bonds, Griffey… I know, I know. Bonds, honestly is not doing great as a defensive outfielder, and for Griffey, well I wouldn’t bet on his being physically able to show up with what he gets voted in for. So go with HART!

    Starting Pitcher
    Pitchers are hard for me. And I recently became a student of DIPS theory. Look it up, and once you have an understanding of it then we can converse about who is the best pitcher in MLB. But for the sake of defending the National League I must go with Jake Peavy with his 1.82 ERA, his ability to strike out practically anything that crosses his plate and his shocking 3.8 strike to ball ratio. But again I say, DIPS theory.