Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Things to Do Before I'm 30: The Impossible List

I never actually made one of these lists before I turned 30, and in fact I never thought 30 was such a bad thing to turn, so I haven't been on the ball with getting nervous and angsty and upset about my birthday.  Now that it happened, though, I figure I should act my age and have some kind of crisis over the things I meant to accomplish.  So here's a list I came up with after the fact, of things I will now feel bad about not having done already.

1.  Swim with the dolphins.  I wanted to do this when I was a kid, but my mom said it was too expensive, and besides, don't you think the dolphins deserve to be left alone?  Before I was 30 I could have ignored her, but now I'm too old anyway because it's a well-known fact that dolphins attack old people.

2.  Become a gymnast.  Somewhere around puberty I discovered that I have no hand-eye coordination and terrible balance.  I should have worked on that more.

3.  Commit the perfect murder.  I have it all planned out.  Maybe I can still do this one.

4.  Wear rubber leggings to a club and start one of those dances where everyone circles around you because you're so awesome and you teach them a new move and everyone buys you things because you're so cool.

5.  Seven hotdogs and seven beers in seven innings.  You heard me.

6.  Get on the Late Show with David Letterman.  Because that man is sexy with a capital SEX.

7.  Be the first woman to... whatever.  First, I wanted to be president until I found out that presidents are boring.  Then I wanted to be the first female Major Leaguer.  See #2.

8.  Learn to make a souffle.  Have it comically deflate.  Sit on the floor of my kitchen and cry.

9.  Beat Houseboy in Trivial Pursuit.  The synapses are only getting less firey with age, not more. 

10.  Raise a pig for the slaughter, but at the last minute change my mind and go on a long road trip with it that ends in tragedy when he dies of pig old age.  


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