Friday, January 16, 2009

Unmovie of the Week

I was going to tell you all about Slumdog Millionaire for the following reasons:

1) I watched it with my parents over the holidays, and my dad liked it so much, when he called me for my birthday he said "Go see 'Bolt!'  Oh, and this other movie we saw which was really great, and it's about India... Carolyn, Carolyn, what was the India movie?  Slumwhat?  Slumdog Millionaire, she says."  And I had to tell him I'd seen it with him and then remind him which daughter I am and where I live and all that stuff you have to do after your parents turn 50. 

2) Ever since watching it, Houseboy and I yell "Chaiwallah!!" and "Computerji!" at each other and try to do the cool dancing at the end, but end up looking like Mr F. 

3) It's the "Independent Movie" of the year, where everyone who considers themselves smart and cultured go see it, so if you don't you'll look stupid and uncultured.  Like butter.  

But instead, I'm going to tell you all about how none of you dumb gits* had better go see that piece of ass fuzz movie "Bride Wars."  Every time I see an ad for that movie I about have an aneurism and have to lecture Houseboy on the way society demeans women and encourages women to demean each other through the obsession with material possessions, while perpetuating the stereotype that we're all backstabbing canibalistic she-beasts and that that is cute and funny somehow.  

If you're in the mood for something a little wrong in a gratifying, "I'm better than them" kind of way, check out "Sex, Lies and Obsession," starring Mr. and Mrs. Echolls, aka Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna.  If you watch only the middle part, you get to see a lot of [implied] masturbation and [implied] sex with prostitutes and [actual] peep show action.  And then you can turn it off before the wife inevitably takes back her cheating std-having husband because, as Hedgehog and I nailed down while I watched this on my sick day on Monday, the moral of all Lifetime movies is that addictions and psychological abuse are forgiveable, physical abuse is not.  Take that reasoning to the bank and watch them stare at you funny and then ask if you have a deposit or if you need some other kind of help.  


*I had to go look up "git" in the urban dictionary to make sure I wasn't saying something unintentionally racist or xenophobic, because you know how the English can be.  Word of the day from = sideboob.  Awesome.  


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