Thursday, August 13, 2009

Explosive inferno of awful

So, due to certain circumstances wherein there were happenings in which it transpired that Houseboy and I had to drive all the way the fuck up to Chicago and back down in just over 24 hours, and haul shit around and complain about stuff a lot, and plus it is a certain feminine time that is not the happiest for everyone, and I'm not talking about prom, all these things coincided to make all the vessels in my head expand and flood my brain with blood. By which I mean I had a migraine. Which sucked. But what did not suck was when I went to enter it into the handy dandy little tracker I have on Google docs, and I realized it has been 43 days since I had to take Imitrex brand imitrex. In memoriam of this momentous occasion, in which medical science prevails, I bring you the Top Three Migraines That I Can Remember. It's possible there were others that were worse, but I blocked them from my conscious brain.

#3: Camping in Wisconsin and rain during the day leads to tent time with bug spray, which it turns out will cause problems if taken externally but even more problems when taken internally. Finding a dark and quiet place in the woods is not that easy if you have any concern for bears.

#2: A hotel in Times Square for a work conference means incessant noise, pollution, lights and seventeen kinds of funny smells. Prescription drugs don't quite cut it so I head out into the city that never sleeps to find Tylenol PM, which completely unironically is impossible to find. By the time I track down an open drugstore that has any damn stock, I decide that I'll need at least five to get any relief. That feels kind of like constantly clawing your way out of a slimy pit only to discover that at the top the whole world is on fire.

#1: Three straight days, about four more doses of the magic drugs than are technically recommended, a little shaking and vomiting, and a personal record for holding my breath under water because that seemed like a good idea at the time. I don't even remember much of this one except that it had no known cause and I thought it might literally never end.

So, with that let us all give thanks for the makers of Propranolol, who would win the Nobel and the Pulitzer and the Teen Choice awards if I were allowed to vote in any of those, but since I'm not they win a new award I just made up, called The Understatement of the Year Award. Propranolol: you're pretty all right. Thanks, dudes.



  1. I've been following you for a short time and really enjoy your posts. Found my way here through newlywed Jeff at This Is Why Your Hold Time Is So Long.
    I enjoy migraines...not so much. My #1 story would have to be during a flight to California from Kansas City, squeezed in the middle seat between two obese men that I didn't know, who were sweating profusely and breathing heavily. I ended the flight by throwing up into the SkyMall magazine because I couldn't find a vomit bag, couldn't get any attention from a flight attendant and the fat man in the aisle seat couldn't get up to let me get to the restroom.

  2. Migraines SUCK.

    However, in the beginning of this post, you totally sounded like Fox from Daisy of Love. And it was awesome.

  3. Jennifer: Welcome! Approval from strangers is actually very important to me, so thanks! Your migraine story definitely blows #3 out of the water, I have to say. Have you tried the preventative medications out there? They will make you want to make sloppy love to drug reps.

    Shine: Aww! You noticed! I'm so proud.